I stammer AND I get to choose what I do
One of the things people supposed to be old and wise are always telling me is “if you’ve got lemons, make lemonade”. And I always want to scream at them “No! What if I want to do my own thing. Something that is nothing to do with lemonade?”
So, I’m not going to tell you to accept your limitations (or lemons). On the other hand, I’m not going to patronise you and say, “if you can dream it, you can do it”.
But I do want to talk about some things you can do when you think that the odds are against you. You can choose to try them or not. But it can’t hurt to know about them.
Let’s start with what can seem the hardest and most pointless thing. Talking about stammering and telling people that you stammer. Seriously, even if you don’t want to or don’t see the point, think about giving it a try.
Take a scenario you probably know very well. Two people talking, one of them stammers. Both pretend not to notice that massive stammering elephant in the room. Both are uncomfortable. People who don’t stammer don’t know what to do.
Scenario two. Two people talking. The one who stammers takes charge. Tells the other what they need to know: don’t worry, it’s normal, just don’t finish my sentences — or whatever works for you in that situation. Being upfront about stammering (speech therapists call it disclosure) gives you control. If you choose to practise this (and it does take practice), you will find it can work in any situation: work, college, with friends, anywhere.
Two tips about disclosure: first, don’t waste your control by apologising for your stammer. There’s nothing to apologise for and people respect you more if you don’t. This isn’t just me being stroppy — there is masses of research to back this up. And secondly, don’t worry about how other people react. They are learning how to behave in what is for them an unusual situation. That’s not your problem.
By the way, as well as people not knowing what to do when someone stammers, they often know nothing about stammering itself. It can help if you have some basic facts to share with them if you sense they are curious and ready to listen. Simple things:
- Many people stammer but some are very good at hiding it.
- It happens because some people’s brains are set up differently — some people are left handed, some are dyslexic, some stammer.
- It’s nothing to do with intelligence, or being anxious, or not taking a deep breath before you start speaking.
You probably know all this but, if you need more, the STAMMA website has a lot of facts and figures.
Of course, some people don’t want to talk about their stammer under any circumstances. Others don’t want to ask for help. That’s OK. I get that — full disclosure time, I’ve felt like that many times in the past and sometimes still do.
But (I know this is not a fair comparison but bear with me) only a real hardcore wheelchair user would insist on bouncing up the stairs when there was a ramp. Indeed, most wheelchair users protest if there is no ramp, and are right to do so.
If you stammer, you probably face unfair disadvantages every day. There is no stammering ramp at your coffee shop. But when you are prepared to talk about your stammer, then you can even things out a little.
For example, some people who stammer have negotiated extra time for an oral exam or a job interview, a quiet space to make phone calls at work, written rather than spoken presentations at college. Go to the STAMMA website for a hundred other examples, or contact STAMMA’s webchat or helpline service to discuss what might work for you.
These changes to your school, college, or work life are called reasonable adjustments. There are laws and policies in place to back them up and support them. They are worth thinking about. But you have to make them happen, and that means talking about stammering! Everything comes back to that in the end.
When talking about stammering, it doesn’t always have to be about negatives (especially when you are having to educate people.) You can accentuate the positives — trust me, there are some — especially if reasonable adjustments have given you some more space and time to talk. Many people believe that stammering has helped them become more resilient, more determined, better listeners, with great language skills. You will have your own strengths. Talk about these too.
You won’t be the first person in the world to do this. I’m not going to bore you with a list. You have a phone and know how to search. You will find singers, musicians, actors, athletes, scientists, writers, footballers and politicians who will tell you that their stammer has helped shape their lives and careers in a positive way.
None of this is easy. Being open about stammering, educating others, negotiating reasonable adjustments, looking for positives, none of this comes naturally.
It takes practice, while also being kind to yourself. With practice, the right sort of supportive practice, it does get easier.
At the risk of sounding stuck on replay like a teacher with their favourite teaching point, STAMMA can help you here: you can call the helpline to practise and we have various groups that you might consider having a look at. You might find something that works for you.
It’s your choice. But, IMHO, you can choose better when you know what’s out there. So, talk to STAMMA if to no one else.
Once again, at the risk of sounding stuck on replay like a teacher summarising their favourite teaching points…
Be yourself. Tread your own path. It helps if you know the about being open about stammering, about educating others, reasonable adjustments, and the need for gentle practice — but then please just take what you feel is right for you.
No one’s saying you’ve got to make lemonade.
